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Kirk Cameron, now is not the time to save Christmas

We thought Kirk Cameron saved Christmas in 2014, and yet here we stand, six years later, horrified. Now, with just one week until Christmas Eve, not only does Cameron’s crusade continued unabated, but it now faces perhaps its gravest threat yet: the secular menace that is COVID-19.

Staring down Cancel Culture’s deadly biological weaponry, Kirk Cameron marshaled his troops for one final, valiant stand in the parking lot of a mall in Thousand Oaks, California. On December 7 and 13, Cameron assembled hundreds of likeminded carolers at The Oaks Mall to belt out their favorite seasonal tunes and beat back the COVID-19 menace with the power of their unmasked voices.

“Have you ever sung Christmas carols by candlelight at a time when your state governor has prohibited you from doing that? In America?” Cameron says in one of his multiple Instagram Live videos. “Well, this is something that is truly happening. You can’t make this up. It is such an uplifting, inspirational, and encouraging time, we want you to join us.” We admire the former Growing Pains star’s bravery, but dammit, Kirk Cameron, now is not the time for heroes.

Can’t you see, Mike Seaver? It’s all over! Papa Noel lost! Leading your righteous army in a rousing round of “God Bless America” is too little, too late. You promised us the war would be over years ago, but with this new pandemic, our enemy has grown too strong. We must finally face facts, admit defeat at the hands of the ungodly hordes, and move on with our pathetic, Jesus-ridden lives.

It’s probably worth mentioning, as ABC7 News notes, that the day of Cameron’s second “Joy Over Fear” viral swap meet, “Ventura County (the location of the gathering) reported an additional 2,651 new cases of COVID, marking a 10% increase from the literal day before.” Knowing this, we’re sure that, on the off-chance you or any of your carolers feel under the weather sometime in the next 7-14 days, you’ll give up your hospital bed and sacrifice yourself to help the less fortunate. After all, it’s what Jesus would do.

Send Great Job, Internet lost causes to gji@theonion.com

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