Film

Look at what they’ve done to Clifford

A wise old man once said, “Sometimes dead is better.” The true nature of this morbid prophecy was not fully actualized until this day with the unveiling of the teaser for Clifford The Big Red Dog, in which said Big Red Dog has been disturbingly transformed into a computer-magicked hell hound summoned from the depths of Satan’s b-hole. Not even a Sarah McLachlan overture could convince us that this Clifford is of the same Very Good Boy ilk as those gentle souls awaiting salvation in the kennels of the ASPCA.

STRAIGHT TO HELL.

That red is not the red of a kindly Big Red Dog, but a deep red acquired from luxuriating in the blood of innocents. It is unnatural. And besides the fact that maybe just because you can turn something into a “live-action” movie doesn’t mean you should, what on earth made anyone think that Clifford would make for adequate narrative cinema? Does that dude even have a story? The whole deal with Clifford is that he is a Big Red Dog. That’s it. The kids are like, “Look! He’s bigger than our house!” Every book is just pointing out how Clifford The Big Red Dog is larger than the various shit around him. Even this teaser for Clifford The Big Red Dog—coming soon to a theater near you in 2021, the studio hopefully asserts—is just like, here’s some regular lil doggies and BAM, this big Cujo-ass monster who we’re supposed to believe is not somehow all about ripping throats.

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