Neural network constructs new, terrifying Christmas classic, “Rudolph, the All-Gracious King”

Christmas is almost here, which means Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” has nestled deep within our ear canals like a seasonal, yuletide parasite. No matter which way you turn, you cannot escape the diva’s biggest career hit as it jingles its way through our television, car, and department store speakers. To be honest, it’s a song so sappily catchy that it verges on sinister—a longstanding theory we can now consider confirmed thanks to recent AI analysis of the single.

YouTuber Chase Holfelder recently embarked on a pretty interesting experiment: training a neural network to create its own Christmas song in the vein of Mariah Carey’s ubiquitous hit. Using Open AI’s Jukebox project, Holfelder employed its “primed mode,” supplying the program with 12 seconds of Carey’s tune coupled with AI Weirdness maven Janelle Shane and their own work with AI-generated Christmas carol lyrics. As it turns out, computers do not fully understand the concept of human theology, and are very confused by who we sing praises to every December.

The results of the collaboration? A sinister, cultic hymn exalting “Rudolph, the All-Gracious King.” Bow before your Caribou Lord, peasants.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his red belly, the all-gracious king…the holy deity,” croons Holfelder and accompanying vocalist Claire Virginia. “When the unclean blood is shed on Christmas Day, he winks and nods in reply.”

Good lord. The cheery ditty only devolves from there, complete with “human flesh,” “sleeping” fires,” and “weeping’ mirth. It’s as catchy as it is nightmare-inducing, and we only have Mariah, artificial intelligence, and ourselves to blame.

All hail our new bulbous-nosed god.

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